what I do best

My life is not what I want it to be.

What is it that I would change if I could?

What can I change?

I’m starting to feel an insatiable itching, aching, chafing surface.  It has been compared before, but it is not unlike that of a scab that is just about ready to come away from the skin.  I am so, dare I say, disgusted with my life, my surroundings, the status quo.  I want to slough it off, like a giant, pus-crusted scab.

There are things that I want to keep, of course; not all of it is to be counted as chaff. My son, for instance, is perhaps the one thing I would keep through everything, regardless.  He is my flesh, reconstituted with a new spirit, and I have a profound attachment with, duty to, and love for him.  As much as my will can prevail through it all, I want him with me, and to be with him.

Aside from that, there are a few pieces of clothing and artifacts of my former vestiges that I would like to keep.  There really isn’t anything more.  There are many things I have that I like having, but could be replaced with things of similar value and function, such as my computer monitor, my collection of paper lanterns, my dishes, etc.

My metaphysical skin, the fabric of my being, is positively crawling with unrest, lack of fulfillment, and need for some drastic, solvent change.  I am seasick with the unevenly heated mélange of thoughts and feelings I experience at any moment : I am sad, exhausted, livid, content, gleeful, crabby, inconsolable, discontent, stymied, etc.

What kind of change can I possibly affect on this life that feels so stuck?  I am not finding fulfillment among my friends and acquaintances.  I am not finding community whenever I outreach for it, both as leader and recipient.  I am not finding adequate support to bring up this precious gem of a child I have the duty and honor of stewarding through his first decade or two on this earth.  I am not finding safety and warmth with the people I call family.  I am not finding an intimate partner with whom to weave a synergistic legacy.  I am not finding financial stability and sustainability.  I am not finding comfort, joy, and ease in my home.  I am not finding reliable pleasure and positive feedback from the employment I undertake.  I am struggling to stay invested in personal projects I create for myself.  I am struggling to stay hopeful and/or find direction for how to push my life forward, in a direction toward the life I would like.

It so often feels barely enough, and when it doesn’t , it feels like struggling, scraping, yearning, aching…

I don’t know what I can change other than that which I have already tried to change, with scant results.

I am gasping for breath, aching in my bowels for nourishment, thirsting with a parched and scaly heart for love and joy.

I know nothing else but to desire what I desire.

I pray that I can devise the magic to transfigure this hypodermic crisis of mine.


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